Letter for When You Want to Self Harm

Dear Beautiful,

Close your eyes for a second. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Put down the blade.  Put it down and walk away. Put as much distance between it and you as possible. Think of all the people in your life that would cry if you showed them the marks you were planning on making tonight. Picture the tears running down their faces.   Because, when you hurt, they hurt too. And then make butterflies for them. Cover your body with butterflies if necessary. Let them protect you. Let the butterflies protect you, like your loved ones would if they were here with you.

If you think no one would care if you hurt yourself tonight, I promise you, you’re wrong. Someone would care. Maybe they haven’t voiced that concern, but it’s there. And I would care too. So tonight, draw a butterfly for me too.  

The pain you want to inflict on yourself right now isn’t worth it. You are worth more than the difficulties life is throwing at you right now. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve to smile. Hurting yourself is not going to get you there tonight, or any other night.  Life hurts sometimes. It hurts a lot. Don’t add to the hurt. Don’t let the demons creep in and take over you. You are stronger than them. You’ve been through some much. And I know you can get through this too. Because, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Prove to yourself how strong you really are tonight. And let go of the thought of the blade. Let go of the urge. Breathe it out with all the strength you have. And fight its return.  

Ten years from now, looking back on this moment, you can either say two things: “I cut again that night. I wish I had figured out how to fight the demons earlier” or “That night was the biggest step in my road to recovery. I’m so proud of myself for putting down the blade.” Which would you rather say?

If you’d rather say the later, distract yourself tonight. Watch TV, study, write, read, sing, call a friend, email me, hug a stuffed animal, or sleep.  Distract yourself to so the urge doesn’t return.  I know you can do this. I believe in you with all my heart.

And I am so incredibly proud of you for not hurting yourself tonight.

Love,

Sheila

Only Read the First Paragraph

How to Read this Post:  Don’t. Save it in a hidden folder or sealed envelope. And pray you’ll never have to read it. This letter is for that moment in your life when you’re crying your eyes out on the floor wishing the pain would just end. In that moment, you can take out this letter and read it. And I'll be here for you.  Save it for when you really need it.

Dear Beautiful,

They say everyone has a story that will break your heart. I suppose the reason that you’re reading this is that you’ve found yours. In that case, my heart goes out to you. And I want to be there beside you, holding your hand and drying your tears. I wish I could. But since I can’t, I hope this letter can suffice.

Whatever the matter is Beautiful, I can’t begin to express how heartbroken I am for you. You don’t deserve to feel so empty, depressed, lifeless. No one does, but you especially. You deserve a future, the best future possible. You deserve happiness and joy. You deserve way more than the cards you’ve been dealt right now. You deserve the whole fucking world. You don’t have to believe that. You just have to know that I believe it.  And that I’m here for you. I’ll carry your world for you in my own hands.  I’ll hold your chains so you don’t have to. Simply place your trust in this letter, in me, and know that everything is going to be alright.

Maybe it’s not going to be alright as soon as you put down this letter. Maybe it won’t be okay after a month, a year, or even fifty years.  See that’s the thing about heartbreaking stories: they break your heart. And from that you never really heal. But as you try to accept your story, as you forgive, forget, cry it out, talk about it, and time passes, the hurt begins to subside.

I suppose have no way of knowing what has happened to make you feel so broken inside.  Regardless, I assure you I will do everything in my power to alleviate your pain. To begin, no matter how much you think you’re broken, know that you’re not. You’re bent, almost to the point of breaking, hanging by a thread, but not there yet.  And you’re not going to get there.  You are so incredibly strong to have made it this far. The amount of fight in your heart is absolutely inspiring and you can come out of this on top. You don’t have to believe this. You just have to know that I believe it. And everyone that knows your true colors believes it too. Because tough times don’t last. But tough people, like you, they do last. Not many people can say they’re as tough as you. Because not many people can say they’ve seen hell. But you have, and you will make it back and live to tell the tale. I have the highest confidence that you will win this battle, all subsequent battles, and more importantly, this war. Because you, are the definition of strong, Beautiful.

So how are you going to win this war?  That part’s up to you. Make a list of everything that’s wrong right now and try to think of some solution to go with it, even if it’s just trying to ignore the problem.  Distractions. If your problem is one where you simply need to forget about it right now, make a list of every way that you are going to distract yourself ranging from watching TV and studying to going mountain biking and swimming. Put all that energy of yours into something else and distract your mind. Make a schedule of when you are going to do all of this to keep your head on straight.  But, most importantly, talk to someone. No, not a psychologist, if that isn’t your thing, but reach out to someone who cares.  A friend, a family member, a teacher. Even if you think there’s no one who cares about you in your life, you’re wrong. See you’re the reason someone wakes up in the morning. You’re the reason someone smiles when they see you down the street. You mean the world to someone. You matter. Always did matter and always will matter. Someone would be there for you if you asked them to be. Because they know they’re life is better when you’re in it, and you’re happy. You don’t have to believe this; you just have to know I believe it. But I know how it feels to think that no one cares, and so I want you to know that you can always talk to me: Invisible_princess@aol.com.

Lastly, I want you to know that you don’t always have to be strong. See, no one can be strong all of the time. But if you concentrate on what’s keeping you together instead of what’s tearing you apart, it’s possible to be strong most of the time. You can get through this. You can get through anything you put your mind to. You are smarter than you think, stronger than you seem, and braver than you believe. And I believe in you.

I will always be here for you. I will always be with you.

Love,

Sheila