Letter for When You Want to Self Harm

Dear Beautiful,

Close your eyes for a second. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Put down the blade.  Put it down and walk away. Put as much distance between it and you as possible. Think of all the people in your life that would cry if you showed them the marks you were planning on making tonight. Picture the tears running down their faces.   Because, when you hurt, they hurt too. And then make butterflies for them. Cover your body with butterflies if necessary. Let them protect you. Let the butterflies protect you, like your loved ones would if they were here with you.

If you think no one would care if you hurt yourself tonight, I promise you, you’re wrong. Someone would care. Maybe they haven’t voiced that concern, but it’s there. And I would care too. So tonight, draw a butterfly for me too.  

The pain you want to inflict on yourself right now isn’t worth it. You are worth more than the difficulties life is throwing at you right now. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve to smile. Hurting yourself is not going to get you there tonight, or any other night.  Life hurts sometimes. It hurts a lot. Don’t add to the hurt. Don’t let the demons creep in and take over you. You are stronger than them. You’ve been through some much. And I know you can get through this too. Because, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Prove to yourself how strong you really are tonight. And let go of the thought of the blade. Let go of the urge. Breathe it out with all the strength you have. And fight its return.  

Ten years from now, looking back on this moment, you can either say two things: “I cut again that night. I wish I had figured out how to fight the demons earlier” or “That night was the biggest step in my road to recovery. I’m so proud of myself for putting down the blade.” Which would you rather say?

If you’d rather say the later, distract yourself tonight. Watch TV, study, write, read, sing, call a friend, email me, hug a stuffed animal, or sleep.  Distract yourself to so the urge doesn’t return.  I know you can do this. I believe in you with all my heart.

And I am so incredibly proud of you for not hurting yourself tonight.

Love,

Sheila

Only Read the First Paragraph

How to Read this Post:  Don’t. Save it in a hidden folder or sealed envelope. And pray you’ll never have to read it. This letter is for that moment in your life when you’re crying your eyes out on the floor wishing the pain would just end. In that moment, you can take out this letter and read it. And I'll be here for you.  Save it for when you really need it.

Dear Beautiful,

They say everyone has a story that will break your heart. I suppose the reason that you’re reading this is that you’ve found yours. In that case, my heart goes out to you. And I want to be there beside you, holding your hand and drying your tears. I wish I could. But since I can’t, I hope this letter can suffice.

Whatever the matter is Beautiful, I can’t begin to express how heartbroken I am for you. You don’t deserve to feel so empty, depressed, lifeless. No one does, but you especially. You deserve a future, the best future possible. You deserve happiness and joy. You deserve way more than the cards you’ve been dealt right now. You deserve the whole fucking world. You don’t have to believe that. You just have to know that I believe it.  And that I’m here for you. I’ll carry your world for you in my own hands.  I’ll hold your chains so you don’t have to. Simply place your trust in this letter, in me, and know that everything is going to be alright.

Maybe it’s not going to be alright as soon as you put down this letter. Maybe it won’t be okay after a month, a year, or even fifty years.  See that’s the thing about heartbreaking stories: they break your heart. And from that you never really heal. But as you try to accept your story, as you forgive, forget, cry it out, talk about it, and time passes, the hurt begins to subside.

I suppose have no way of knowing what has happened to make you feel so broken inside.  Regardless, I assure you I will do everything in my power to alleviate your pain. To begin, no matter how much you think you’re broken, know that you’re not. You’re bent, almost to the point of breaking, hanging by a thread, but not there yet.  And you’re not going to get there.  You are so incredibly strong to have made it this far. The amount of fight in your heart is absolutely inspiring and you can come out of this on top. You don’t have to believe this. You just have to know that I believe it. And everyone that knows your true colors believes it too. Because tough times don’t last. But tough people, like you, they do last. Not many people can say they’re as tough as you. Because not many people can say they’ve seen hell. But you have, and you will make it back and live to tell the tale. I have the highest confidence that you will win this battle, all subsequent battles, and more importantly, this war. Because you, are the definition of strong, Beautiful.

So how are you going to win this war?  That part’s up to you. Make a list of everything that’s wrong right now and try to think of some solution to go with it, even if it’s just trying to ignore the problem.  Distractions. If your problem is one where you simply need to forget about it right now, make a list of every way that you are going to distract yourself ranging from watching TV and studying to going mountain biking and swimming. Put all that energy of yours into something else and distract your mind. Make a schedule of when you are going to do all of this to keep your head on straight.  But, most importantly, talk to someone. No, not a psychologist, if that isn’t your thing, but reach out to someone who cares.  A friend, a family member, a teacher. Even if you think there’s no one who cares about you in your life, you’re wrong. See you’re the reason someone wakes up in the morning. You’re the reason someone smiles when they see you down the street. You mean the world to someone. You matter. Always did matter and always will matter. Someone would be there for you if you asked them to be. Because they know they’re life is better when you’re in it, and you’re happy. You don’t have to believe this; you just have to know I believe it. But I know how it feels to think that no one cares, and so I want you to know that you can always talk to me: Invisible_princess@aol.com.

Lastly, I want you to know that you don’t always have to be strong. See, no one can be strong all of the time. But if you concentrate on what’s keeping you together instead of what’s tearing you apart, it’s possible to be strong most of the time. You can get through this. You can get through anything you put your mind to. You are smarter than you think, stronger than you seem, and braver than you believe. And I believe in you.

I will always be here for you. I will always be with you.

Love,

Sheila

How to Help: Suicide

       As a disclaimer, I am by no means a professional (is there such thing as a professional talker-outer-of suicide?). These are simply ideas that have worked for me in the past. Any site can tell you the signs of a suicidal friend and that you should tell and adult right away.  What no one will tell you though, is what to do that moment when a close friend or family member discloses to you that they want to die. There’s no guidebook for such a situation, though it seems there should be.  So here’s my best advice for that terrifying moment when you’re the last person standing between a friend and their possible death.

So let’s say your friend called you one night in tears, saying they were thinking about committing suicide. 

1.       Take a deep breath. The worst thing you can do is panic. As scared as you may be, they are way more scared and you need to be the strong one right now.

2.       Realize the urgency of the situation without becoming overwhelmed. Yes, a close friend or family member might not survive the night, but they did come to you for help.  This means they still have hope.  Keep hope alive, and you keep your friend alive.  It’s as simple as that.

3.       Ask when and where they are going to kill themselves.  This gives you an idea of the time range you are dealing with and also lets your friend know that you are taking them seriously.

4.       If they are planning on committing suicide that night, drive to their house while talking on your cell phone.

5.       Listen to them talk. Be sympathetic and supportive. Keep them talking. (Think about it: Talking = alive) Talk until they calm down.

6.       Don’t argue with them.  Don’t make them angry and not want to listen to you – or worse, hang up. Don’t tell them that they have so much to live for. They’re not going to believe you. They’ve already thought this through and they feel like no, they do not have that much to live for at all.

7.       Don’t try to guilt them out of it by telling them how much it would hurt their family and friends. Many suicidal people believe their family and friends do not care at all.

8.      Ask them what they are looking forward to next week, next month, next year, next 10 years.  Ask them about their goals, their bucket-lists.  Your goal here is to find them a reason to live. If they cannot think of a reason, make it up.  Decide that you two are going to do something fun next week that you’ve never done before to give them something to look forward to.

9.      Don’t hang up the phone without making them promise to go right to sleep.

10.  Right after hanging up the phone, tell an adult what happened.

So there you go: how to talk someone out of suicide in 10 steps. The key is keeping hope alive. Hope is the last thing to go and when all hope is lost, life follows suit. The fact that they told you they were considering suicide as an option actually means that you are halfway there: You don’t have to give them hope because they already have a little left. You just have to keep the flame alive.

Okay, so on a completely unrelated topic, I have big news: I might become visible soon. I’ve made a really great friend over email recently and he’s basically convinced me to take my goal of changing the world a step further: by presenting my project in front of my school. In my presentation I will explain what I do to change the world and inspire others to do the same. I've emailed my school principle with this propasal and I am excited to hear her reply. Though I’m quite comfortable being the center of attention, I can’t help but think why on earth I would pour my heart out to my whole high school chancing utter embarrassment and public humiliation. But I know I cannot live my life like that.  I would do anything to make this world a better place.  If it means telling my story to my high school, so be it. Got Fear? Bring it on. Because fear stops meaning so much when you’re twice as determined.

How to Help: Depression

1.       The first step to helping someone with Depression is approaching them and letting them know you understand what they are going through and you care.  If you have noticed a classmate or friend has been acting really down lately, or even has noticeable self-harm marks, it’s important to approach them and offer to be there for them.  Depending on your relationship with them, you can either slip them a note, telling them you care, or sit them down and question what’s up. It’s natural to be nervous when approaching such a serious situation.  But would you ever forgive yourself if that person committed suicide the next day and you could have done something to stop it, but chickened out? So maybe that’s a stretch, but put yourself in their shoes: if you were going through a rough patch in your life, wouldn’t you want someone to be there for you? You may be nervous now, but when it’s all said and done, it will be worth it.

2.       So you’ve approached your friend and heard their story. You’ve slipped a note in your classmate’s locker and they called you that afternoon to talk.  The most important thing that you can do now is listen.  Listening does not always include giving advice. Sometimes it may, but on most occasions, listening is just listening: no more, no less. You are a spark of hope, but just like a flame, hope can be diminished.  Keep the fire burning by consistently lending a listening ear.

3.       So here comes the point, after I express the vitality of listening, where I instruct you to tell an adult.  Yes, when you are dealing with a situation such as this, telling a trusted parent, teacher, counselor, is the best thing to do.  They can get professional help from your friend, something that you cannot offer.  But anyone can tell you that.  What no one else has bothered to do though is give you any advice on how to handle the situation is there simply is no one to go to.  So I’ll be the first.

4.       You’ve heard their story; you’ve listened whenever they needed you to.  Now, it’s important to stay updated on how they are feeling. Check up on them on a weekly or daily basis. This could range from long-winded conversations to a simple “How are you?” “Good” type exchange.

A.      I use something I call “emotion bracelets”.  Tell your friend to make a list of the feelings they have most often, like contentment, stress, self-hatred, etc.  you probably want there to be less than ten of them.  Next, assign a color to each bracelet.  You can then either make or buy bracelets of the chosen colors.  When your friend wakes up each morning, he or she will decide what they feel and put on the corresponding bracelets.  They are allowed to wear as many or as little of the bracelets as necessary. Then, make an extra bracelet.  This one will be black.  It means “I need help.” Or “I cut myself” or “I want to committee suicide.” The purpose of the bracelets is to give a voice to the feelings that your friend is too busy, too nervous, or too shy to tell you about.  The bracelets make communication word-optional.  (Remember to write down which colors mean which emotion for both you and your friend)

B. Another daily check I’ve used is to ask “Yes or no.” This means “Did you cut today or not?” No one beside you and your friend will know what the conversation is about.

C. Weekly checks usually require a scheduled time to talk. If time is scarce, consider writing letters to each other.

5. Having someone to talk to will only help to an extent though. Many pieces of one’s life are factors that lead to the monster known as depression. To kill the monster, all its causative agents must be disband. My best advice on this one is to sit down together with a paper and pencil and list everything that contributes to their depression. One the other side of the paper, list what they will do about it. The way I see it is that life isn’t a single path where you get what’s given to you and deal. Life is a series of many paths that interconnect and cross. You can choose any path you wish. You can also choose to bush-whack. If you don’t like the path you’re on, change it. If you cannot change it, decide how you will endure it without letting the dirt you walk on muddy your smile. Put the list you made together into a plan and create goals that go along with them. Soon, your friend will be blazing his or her own trail to the life they want.

6. Help them find something they are passionate about, whether it is a hobby they enjoy or a goal they want to complete. This will bring new meaning to their life. This also becomes their reason to live.

This method has worked for me many times. That being said, it cannot work for everyone. Talk to a trusted adult right away if you start to worry about a friend who has the potential of committing suicide and harming his or herself in any other way. After all, lives are at stake.

Coming up: Do you know how to talk someone out of suicide? Find out next Tuesday 2/12